Your 4-Year-Old: Feeling for Others

Hello, Rene!

Feeling for Others

The Golden Rule says, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." It will be easier to teach your child this concept now that her empathy, or sensitivity to other people's feelings, is advancing. Even though she can't quite think through other people's reactions all the time, she's capable of naming many feelings and reaching out with a hug when someone's sad. And that's huge!

Your 4-year-old now
Your child may begin to show concern or try to comfort others who are sad or angry. Her ability to understand feelings through words or body language is advancing. She can empathize with people who are not right in front of her (an aunt you're talking about, a character in a story). And because her verbal skills have advanced, she can now offer empathy with words and express her own feelings.

In fact, the more children talk about and can name their feelings, the better equipped they are to show empathy. Chances are your child can identify with sadness and anger because she's felt those emotions and can name them. Feelings like embarrassment are more complex. To help bolster her emotional intelligence, give her words to match her feelings: "I know falling down in front of those kids was embarrassing for you."

Validate feelings no matter how trivial they may seem to you. You want your child to feel safe sharing with you. It helps to be honest about your own emotions: "I'm feeling sad because Grandma died." Or "Yes, I'm mad at Dad, but I still love him."

Model empathetic behavior, too. Take her with you when you deliver a meal to a sick neighbor. Give hugs on tough days. Compliments also go a long way: "That was nice of you to be worried when Miles was crying. You made him happy when you gave him his blanket."

Your life now
Look around at your social circle: Is it widening? Is the center point of it — guess who — your child? As she becomes more sociable and involved in preschool, she'll be invited to an endless stream of birthday parties. Which means you'll spend more time talking to her buddies' parents. Lo and behold, soon some of your best friends will be people you only know because your kids took a shine to one another at the crafts table! It's a strange but happy phenomenon to be known primarily as Colton's Dad or Mara's mom. Get used to it — you can expect this to continue as your child grows.